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Name: Jen Jen
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Cincinnati
Birthday: 5/10/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Movies, Music, anything else interesting
Expertise: EVERYTHING!! Muah-ha-ha
Occupation: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  lucieluvzu
Member Since:
11/16/2004
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| This excites me.
KimberlyHan03: does lauryn hate me?
lucieluvzu: No she's just really pissed you left her then didn't call ans say sorry
KimberlyHan03: well billy told her we were leaving so she knew we were
lucieluvzu: Yeah but you're her friend.
lucieluvzu: I just think a sorry would be nice.
KimberlyHan03: Perhaps
lucieluvzu: 
KimberlyHan03: She still doesnt understand why I got mad though.
lucieluvzu: Why were you mad?
KimberlyHan03: Well I didnt want to go to the party but she wanted to.
KimberlyHan03: Parties remind me of Derek. Then we had to go find Rob and Rob was drunk. Drunken-ness reminds me of Derek. Everything reminded me of Derek. Being in Clifton does too cuz we always went there.
KimberlyHan03: Then I just felt like killing myself and I don't talk to people when I get mad like that.
lucieluvzu: Then why did you want to go to the show so bad?
lucieluvzu: Did you just want to go to the show and not the party or what?
lucieluvzu: You always go to their house.
lucieluvzu: Was it just that night that got you upset?
KimberlyHan03: Yeah. I just wanted to go to the show to watch em play and so Billy can see his cousins play.
lucieluvzu: Oh okay.
KimberlyHan03: I go to their house, but not big parties like that and I usually sit at the computer, but I saw Rob passed out and it made me really sad cuz I had to drag him to another room.
lucieluvzu: Yeah.
lucieluvzu: I just think maybe you guys should talk about it.
lucieluvzu: Because that's no reason to not talk to someone.
lucieluvzu: It's rediculous.
KimberlyHan03: Well theres more to it, but maybe I'll talk to her only if it doesnt get all dramatic, then I'll get really mad
lucieluvzu: What's more?
KimberlyHan03: Like, when people call me crazy... i'm not crazy though. It makes me feel like shit cuz I'm on crazy meds, but I'm not crazy
lucieluvzu: I don't think your meds are crazy meds. I think you need to take them just so your suicide moments aren't so intense. That's so scary Kim. And I think you need to take them because you don't talk about your feelings, you lock it up in your head until you just burst.
lucieluvzu: They help you deal with things. And if not this certain one, you should ask for a different one. I don't think your crazy at all. Not any more than me But I do think they help.
KimberlyHan03: I don't know Jen. Everyday I think about dying and I just wish Derek would have killed me that night we fought. Nothing will help me express my feelings, and I don't think meds will.
lucieluvzu: You didn't die for a reason. He didn't kill you but he killed your baby. Isn't that real at all for you? That's just plain discusting and so is he. He was the worst thing that could have ever happened to you. I wish you could just see that.
KimberlyHan03: I know. Its all hitting me hard right now that he's gone and that he was an asshole. But I miss him. I miss the Derek I first met and it kills me because I let him in and now I don't trust anyone anymore.
lucieluvzu: I know. And I can't understand that kind of hurt, not in the least bit, but I know what it's like to love and lose. I know how much that hurts. It takes so much getting over. And it's hard, there's no denying that. But with the help of your friends you can do it. Seriously, I'm always here for you, so is Lauryn, and Rachel, and Joshua. I mean you know that. And I hope you know you can trust us.
KimberlyHan03: I know you guys are and I love yals for that, but I like to keep to myself and have a happier presense when I'm hanging out with you guys.
lucieluvzu: See but when you do have those moments you need to tell us. Call one of us. Don't just shut down because it gets you no where.
lucieluvzu: Even if it's hard to talk about it. You need to.
KimberlyHan03: I know. | | |
| When you think you have things figured out and you find out you don't. No one can help. | | |
| So lately I've been really depressed. For what reason I'm not sure, but the fact still remains I still hate life lately. I've been called out on it numerous times and still I just don't feel like I can fix it. If I don't know what's going on with me I can't fix it. I don't get comfort from anyone or anything. Even going to church or group doesn't help me like it used to. It's become a chore. I have to go fix dinner and try not to pass out because I'm so tired from school. Then people decide to whine about their free meal. At the beginning of Alpha that was the reason to draw people in. Hey come have a free meal and we might sneak a little God talk in on ya. But now that it's become more of a small group biblestudy not an outreach that shouldn't be the reason people come. It should just be a perk now, not a draw in. The people who are there now have been there long enough to know better too. Then to complain about it is beyond rude. And not only that, it hurts my feelings. I'm so tired of it. I was telling Sara that I'm just not going to cook for a week and see if people just have a reason not to stay. Ugh whatever. School is good. I passed all my tess today and I officially start doing customers Tuesday. So weird. And that totally stresses me out. I'm afraid of messing up. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid I won't get a good job. At my career fair Monday I found a salon I love. It's in Columbus. I'm afraid to move. I don't have any money. My stupid job didn't take out enough taxes from my checks and now I owe the govt. $200 that i don't have. So mom told me I had to call dad and see ig he had it because she doesn't have it to cough up right now. So now my next paycheck is going to be for that (if it's even enough, which I doubt) and so that means my credit card bill is going to be late. My life sucks right now. I'm on stress overload and I wish for just one day I oculd have a day off from life. No school, no work. Just me, my kittie, and my bed. I'm exhausted. But you know what? You don't get paid for sitting around! Urgh! | | |
| So this past week has been really great. I've got to hang out with a lot of friends. Wednesday I went out to Red Cheetah. It was really fun. Except for when Amanda about died. :) Not really she just had WAY too much to drink and I had to babysit her because this guy kept trying to take her home. I'm like she's freakin drunk out of her mind and you're trying to take her home? She has no clue what's going on. What happened to guys? I thought they liked a challenge. What challenge is that? Anyhoo besides that it was pretty fun. And I got to dance with Tonia's hot brother. Dang son. He's pretty freakin sexy. Thursday morning after 1 1/2 hours of sleep I got up to go home to get my maniquin head that I forgot. I had the worst migraine I've ever had. So I slept a little more when I got home and went in to school at 11. After school I went out with Ry to Target and we got chocolate. Mmmm Then Melissa met us and we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday's. It was really good. Then I went home to pass out again. Soo tired. Friday I worked and did some homework then last night I went and had dinner with Ry at Bob Evans. Then to the Cabaret with Lauryn, Chris, Joshua,Tori, Therese, Jimmy, and Ash. It was so fun!:) Today I woke up at noon and was like crap. I forgot to set my alarm for church today. Oops. But that's okay. I went and dyed Ry's hair and it's so cute. He was freaking me out a little because I thought he hated it but it is so cute and he likes it. It's red with blonde highlites. :) Then we came and ate spagetti mom made for dinner. Mmm....tomorrow is work...all...day...long...zzzzzzzzz | | |
| So what I've begun to realize lately is that I am the most impatient person in the whole universe. I know what I want and I'm ready to have it now. It's kinda weird. I know what my wedding dress is going to look like. I know what house I want to build. I know my bridesmaids and where I'm going to get married but not the groom. I know I want to live here at home in Cincinnati or perhaps Atlanta. What I want when I get out of school is to go to a high end salon either in downtown or in Atlanta. I would love love love to work for Van Michael in Atlanta as a colorist. There's just so much that I want and it seems like I am going no where to get there. I'm really not the kind of person to wait and God is teaching me patience. He wants me to realize that things must be on his time and not mine. Boo!:) | | |
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